In the recent past I found God was bringing me through a long season of brokenness into being an adult I had never known. It was wonderful and very exhilarating. I discovered new levels of boldness and courage; even optimism.
Certain events following my move to Glasgow have provoked the cynic in me. There are many uncomfortable truths that have been exposed and in an entirely new community I have seen new depths of human error in myself.
I want to explain one- criticising the church.
This was always a default for me since before I came to faith; Christians can and have always disappointed me. I now disappoint myself so I can only conclude that my expectations are too high and do not honour Jesus's 'come as you are' message.
I am aware that I am all too critical of myself: in a very raw and vulnerable stage of life. But criticising the church, the body, a person of faith or in my community or circle has been a problem for me for a long time.
I sensed it is time to stop and turn from this.
Another dilemma has been my for show Christianity which is anything but the internal 'i can live without Him' reality I have put on this winter. So much of my intimacy with God has been so dependent on my knotted and entwined connection to him through a ten year established community. In starting afresh and probably being emotionally floored by the past 6-9 months, December has been a month of saying and doing the least possible in order to keep on. The ways that I have felt most closely connected to God were either not yet established or too raw to revisit. I reached a point that I was walking a wilderness of my life without 'eating' and the doctor's staple, (the word) was my least desired snack or meal.
I needed to get some rest for my soul and some quality time with my God.
Patiently he has waited for me to come. Previous short-cuts are no longer an option, routines need to be written, certain givens have been re-evaluated and are pending. 5 months after moving I am still very much at the drawing board. Whilst I know my heart for God and his call for my life, I am still adjusting to an entirely new culture with new levels of unforeseen needs and I am all the less interested in putting a good face on it.
I see that God is faithful, I see that Jesus is the hope of this nation and I see that i still have little idea what part I can play in relating this hope to the wonderful people in this city and in Scotland.
At various stages in my life I have repeatedly had to learn that I am not responsible for resolving the aches and groans of our world. Yet with all this silence and feeling distant from God, I am convinced that I know him well and I may never have realised had I not found myself here in this quiet valley.
